Noise Complaint
// Jesse Perry
Note: For the sake of readability on the web, we’ve added some typographical elements to the script. These do not reflect correct script formatting or the formatting used by the author.
INT. PERCY’S LIBRARY – ESTABLISHING
SPENCER, JOLENE, ELEONORA, and MILES are standing at the base of the staircase. SPENCER is anxious, and ELEONORA is standing eagerly and properly; JOLENE is texting, and MILES is standing impatiently with his arms crossed, tapping his foot. A clock ticks in the background.
SPENCER
(sheepishly) When was Percy supposed to be here again?
JOLENE and MILES
(bluntly, in unison) Forty minutes ago.
ELEONORA
(patronizing) Mr. Calloway gets here when he gets here.
MILES
You don’t have to call dad that.
The kids perk up at the sound of a door opening. Camera whips around to the top of the staircase, where PERCY (mid 40s, a towering, thin red demon) walks out in a robe. Percy yawns and sips out of his coffee mug. He spots the kids and spits out the coffee in surprise.
PERCY
(shocked) Oh, shit.
He runs back through the door. Wait a beat. Seconds later, he comes out fully dressed, and sits at his desk.
PERCY
(nonchalantly) Jesus. Took you kids long enough to get here. I’ve been here for *hours*.
Percy reclines in his chair, putting his feet up on the desk.
ELEONORA
Apologies! We’ll make sure to come an hour earlier next time.
Miles and Jolene groan with annoyance. Spencer grimaces.
SPENCER
So, uh, what did you want from us?
PERCY
Oh, yeah.
Percy sits up and pulls a file out of his desk drawer.
PERCY
(patronizing) Come on up, kiddos.
Miles rolls his eyes.
The kids come up the stairs as Percy opens the file, splaying out photos. They stop at Percy’s desk, looking at the pictures.
PERCY
I’ve got quite the unruly neighbor. See, I’m just trying to get some sleep, but this guy, he’s so damn noisy.
SPENCER
Have you tried talking to him about it?
PERCY
What? No. Who do I look like, Mr. Rogers?
SPENCER
(no response, uncomfortable smile)
PERCY
I want you kids to kill him.
Spencer is horrified; Miles and Eleonora are determined; Jolene looks annoyed.
JOLENE
Don’t you guys have a Demon Home-Owners Association or something? Just go complain to someone in charge. Get some Demon Karen to help you out.
Percy scowls at Jolene.
PERCY
(contempt) Well, *sorry* that I can’t “cancel” Demons the same way you like to “cancel” your little magic rectangle “celebrities”.
JOLENE
Nobody says “cancel” anymore, dude.
Percy rubs his temples with annoyance.
JOLENE
How did you get these pictures, anyways?
PERCY
I have a guy.
MILES
A “guy”?
In the peripheral, the kids should see a very obvious camera. Percy glances back at it nervously. Percy slowly scoots his chair to block the camera.
PERCY
Stop asking questions. You kids ask too many questions! You’re giving me gray hairs.
Percy gestures to his hair.
MILES
Fine, whatever. You want the body after?
Percy waves his hand dismissively.
PERCY
Oh no, no, just dump it somewhere. I don’t have time to deal with a dead body. You kids figure it out.
Miles groans with annoyance. Spencer is visibly uncomfortable.
ELEONORA
What’s the address, Mr. Calloway?
Miles glares at Eleonora.
PERCY
Oh, right. I wrote it down.
Percy hands Eleonora a folded up note with the address. Miles glances over at it.
MILES
That’s like, a mile away.
JOLENE
How the Hell is he so noisy that you can hear him a mile away?
MILES
This is one of your weird landlord schemes again, isn’t it? Nobody’s gonna buy a dead guy’s house, Percy-
PERCY
(loudly, flustered) Stop asking questions! Just go kill the fucking guy!
Everyone goes silent. Jolene blows a bubble with the gum in her mouth and pulls her phone back out, going down the stairs. Spencer anxiously follows her. Percy gathers his temper as Miles storms down the stairs.
PERCY
Make sure Spencer gets some good experience, El. He seems nervous about this. Make it a bonding experience.
Eleonora nods, and gives Percy a loving kiss on the forehead. Eleonora happily turns around and skips down the stairs. Percy waves to her.
Cut to Jolene and Spencer, who are further down than Miles and Eleonora.
SPENCER
Does Percy *always* make you guys do this? I mean, killing strangers?
JOLENE
Don’t know, don’t care. Percy’s washed up as Hell, Spencer. You know that.
SPENCER
Maybe we should just try and talk to the guy, you know? Ask him to be a little quieter?
JOLENE
You can give it a shot, but Demons aren’t like you and I. (lowers voice) They’re bloodthirsty little shits.
Jolene and Spencer nervously glance back up. The camera pans with them, and moves to highlight Eleonora and Miles as they walk down the stairs.
MILES
This is so fucking stupid.
ELEONORA
It’s good practice!
MILES
We don’t even know this guy!
ELEONORA
That just makes it easier. No sentimental value.
Eleonora smiles, and Miles rolls his eyes.
The camera pans up further, back to Percy, who is watching the kids leave. He waits until they’re too far away to see him put his feet up. He pulls out a bowl of popcorn from under his desk, followed by a glass of scotch. A projector lowers from the ceiling.
PERCY
(sighs wistfully) Back to my soaps.
Percy reclines in his chair as a Korean drama starts blasting obnoxiously.