Braided Essay - Chandler Carter
I was 7 years old when I consciously experienced a baptism for the first time. My pastor had a strong hand grasping the shoulder of a teenage boy; another man, whose face I can’t quite remember, was accompanying him at the opposite shoulder. The metal tub must have been cold against the boy’s knees, his wet basketball shorts clinging to his thighs and the lower half of his t-shirt doing the same to his slightly pudgy midsection. Heads were bowed, occasional “amens” were muttered following particular statements from the pastor, and I was confused but interested nonetheless.
*
My eldest brother, a neighborhood friend, and myself were gathered around our ancient box TV that sat on the carpeted floor of the back bedroom on a spring afternoon.
“That’s fag music!” the boy commented to whatever miscellaneous media was on at the time.
I had heard that word a few times at this point in my life as a barely preteen; my father and his friends had used that word to describe people and things they didn’t like. I don’t recall what kicked off the conversation after the offhand comment, but I do know it was the first time I had heard of same-sex relationships. It had never occurred to me that that was something that was a possibility; deep down, I know that something clicked for me that day. Both my understanding of what I had internally been experiencing and my immediate fear of the perceived sin ingrained within me.
*
Judas betrayed Jesus in exchange for 30 pieces of silver. We will never know exactly why he chose to do this, if it was a choice at all. It’s easy to blame it on greed and to believe he did it simply in exchange for the money, but maybe it was outside of his own control—an unseen force acting upon Judas to commit the ultimate act of betrayal. During the Last Supper, Jesus hands Judas a piece of bread that he had dipped into a dish, claiming that whoever this piece was handed to would be the apostle to betray him; Jesus knew. It is claimed that Satan entered upon him from the piece of bread. Satan’s influence on Judas was mentioned after that point as well, not simply the existence of his mere greed.
*
Guided back and downwards by strong and holy hands, I watched the boy being submerged in the water of the metal tub. The immersion of the human body along with a spoken prayer is seen as a rebirth or regeneration, the ultimate act of purification. During the time I was witnessing this baptism, I, of course, had no understanding of how such a quick and simple act could be so important and cleansing. I still don’t, to be completely honest. All I remember worrying about was if the boy was going to get water up his nose, was he going to be cold for the rest of the church service? Looking back now as an adult who escaped religion, I believe these childish thoughts speak for themselves. Sure, the boy being baptized was a bit older than me, but he was still very much a child. What had any child done that would require such an intense action in the name of purity? If I was impure, it was at the hands of the world around me.
*
I entered my first relationship with another boy at the age of 13, something that would pave the way for the man I am today. He had dark eyes and dark hair—a consistent type in men for me, apparently—and he smelled like his father’s cigarettes. My hands, bitter cold from the rapidly dropping fall temperatures of the evening, gripped his well-worn zip-up jacket and eventually wound wrapped around his thin wrist. I kissed his back—such a small and gentle gesture that I’m not sure he ever even noticed. I spent the following almost three years with him, years I still remember very vividly. The summers were spent on the banks of the little Scioto, bare chests and backs exposed to the sun, and there was no fear of being discovered in such a manner. Winters outside of school were spent in my bed more often than his, with nervous and inexperienced hands roaming tense bodies and mouths sealed tightly in fear of drawing the attention of my parents. He left me in the winter of my sophomore year of high school, hiding his attraction to men from that point forward.
*
Judas went by himself to the Temple, the priests at the time served as authorities, and Judas agreed to lead them to Jesus in exchange for the seemingly miniscule pieces of silver, something so small in comparison to the life that would be taken. There in the Garden of Gethsemane, Judas kissed Jesus, identifying him to the temple priests. Did Judas regret what he did before he did so? Did he hope that a kiss would permit his forgiveness and show his guilt, his still potentially lingering love for Jesus? Despite his regret, the betrayal was put into motion and could not be taken back after his identification of Christ there in the Garden. Judas attempted to return those 30 pieces of silver, a desperate attempt to reverse his actions, but he was dismissed. Judas left the coins on the floor next to the authorities as they arrested Jesus.
*
He was brought to the surface mere seconds after being plunged under, but I wonder how long it felt to him. When those arms began to pull him back upwards, the same way they pushed him down, did it feel like a saving grace? Did they feel like the hands of God? Was he clean now? I wonder from time to time if a baptism would have saved me, something my desperate and humiliated brain used to ponder much more often. I struggle with the feelings of being impure, dirty from the hands of multiple lovers over the years, some who were mere strangers; dirty at my own hands as well for changing the body God had supposedly given me. I will never feel the loving hands of the Lord, the strong hands of my pastor against my shoulder, or the submersion of my impure body into icy waters. If I am too sinful for simply being who I am, then I will find love and acceptance in those who don’t turn their cheek to my filth.
*
I am loved unapologetically and without shame now, and I do the same for him. He holds my hand in both public and private, not afraid of what others may think of him and not afraid of who he himself knows he is. This is one of his most admirable traits, and I’ve been envious of it since I met him. He takes me to family dinners where I am treated as an equal and told to visit again in the future, a promise that I have followed through with. He looks at me as if I’m the most precious thing in his existence, like I’m the center of the universe; he thinks I’m beautiful, and he doesn’t have to say it out loud for me to know. I still can’t help but look away and wish he’d look anywhere else besides at me, afraid that he’ll look a little too long and a little too close and see everything ugly that resides within and upon me. He lets me bury my face into the crook of his neck, my hands slipping beneath his t-shirt, to explore similar imperfections: imperfections that seem so mesmerizing on him but feel so wretched on me. He will continue to look at me with bright eyes and a toothy grin, hands in my hair or against my back, and I will be loved even with my impurities—loved without judgment and without even a second thought.
*
Judas hung himself from a tree in a Potter’s Field after realizing the act of betrayal he had committed, a field that would later be called Hakeldama, or Field of Blood. Judas Iscariot is seen as the ultimate traitor, but we must realize that without the betrayal by Judas, the salvation of humanity at the core of the Christian faith would not have taken place. Judas kicked off this crucial sequence of events: the arrest, the crucifixion, and the subsequent resurrection. Jesus knew what was going to happen, he knew who this act would be done by, and yet he allowed fate to take its course; Yet he loved Judas even with the existence of this preordained knowledge. If we are meant to be completely pure as human beings, then why are we made to commit and carry out such “sinful” acts?
*
If God is omnipotent and all-knowing, then why was I made to be the way I am? We are given the illusion of free will, but nature is undeniable regardless of prayers and the begging of forgiveness. I am who I am, impure yet righteous.