We published an excerpt from Regulars in Botticelli #22, but here, with Sid’s permission, we’re happy to provide you with the entire script! (Note that we had to alter the layout so it was easier to format and read online.)
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BLACK SCREEN
FADE IN:
EXT. GAS STATION – DAY
We view a tiny gas station and convenience store from across an empty street. It sits in the middle of nowhere in Nevada. It’s silent except for the quiet breeze and occasional bird call.
One car is parked at a pump with a man standing in front of it. He takes a tentative swig of gas from the nozzle. He coughs and wipes his mouth. We will never see this man again.
SUPER: REGULARS
SUPER: “Why is it called a restroom?
I’m fighting for my life in here.”
SUPER: Created by Sid Frazier
SUPER: Shoutout to my Mom & Dad
SMASH CUT:
INT. GAS STATION CONVENIENCE STORE – AFTERNOON
CAM, a short blonde teenager wearing a green cap and shirt, stands at the checkout counter. They’re resting their head on their hand, looking extremely bored and staring blankly out the window. The store we’re in is small and dingy. The ceiling and walls are littered with stains, and here or there a ceiling tile is missing. It’s silent except for the FAINT BUZZING of the lights and an occasional sniff from Cam.
Suddenly we hear a door swing open. GAVIN, a teenager with dark brown hair and square glasses, wearing a green work apron, enters the main room of the store, carrying a bright red bag of chips. He holds them up half-heartedly.
GAVIN
I found them.
Cam perks up immediately.
CAM
Wait, really?
Gavin tosses the bag halfway across the room to Cam. Cam catches it and looks at the front.
ANGLE ON:
We view the bag from behind Cam’s shoulder. Flames decorate the front and it reads: UNCLE SAM’S SPITTIN’ SHITTIN’ SATAN PEPPER CHIPS. A GUITAR RIFF plays over the sound of GUNSHOTS and an EAGLE SCREECH.
CAM
No way! Where’d you find them?
Cam begins to try and open the bag.
GAVIN
Behind one of the storage shelves.
They’ve probably been back there a
while.
Cam struggles to open the bag. Gavin watches with a neutral look on his face. Cam begins to tear at the bag with their teeth, like an animal.
GAVIN
Jesus, Cam. Just give me the bag.
As Cam goes to hand Gavin the bag, a small JINGLING noise is heard as the front door swings open.
ANGLE ON:
We view the door as a cloaked figure slowly steps into the store, dark and ominous. A storm seems to be brewing outside the windows, and a THUNDER CLAP is heard as the figure raises his head and stares at the two employees at the counter.
CAM
Hi Mr. Penndragon!
The dark, dramatic atmosphere is quickly shattered as Cam greets the figure. PENNDRAGON removes his hood and smiles at Cam. He is a short old man with a few tufts of white hair on his head and a short scraggly beard.
PENNDRAGON
Greetings, Cameron.
Gavin waves at Penndragon as he walks towards a shelf and inspects its contents. Gavin grabs the chip bag and tries to open it.
CAM
How’s your day been, sir?
PENNDRAGON
Oh, quite alright. I’ve just been
attending to the usual business.
Cam and Gavin exchange an amused look, as Penndragon often visits the store and graces them with his strange, vague way of speaking.
CAM
Looking for anything specific?
PENNDRAGON
(trailing off)
No, just a few ingredients for…
a family recipe…
Cam looks back to Gavin as he tugs on the chip bag one more time, then gives up.
GAVIN
Where’s Ellie?
CAM
(calling out)
ELLIE!!
After a beat, ELLIE appears around a corner. She’s tall and broad-shouldered, wearing a green hoodie with the hood cinched around her face, so that only her eyes and nose are visible.
Gavin holds out the bag to her. Ellie rolls her eyes before walking over to the counter.
GAVIN
We can’t get it open.
Ellie takes the bag and inspects it, then turns it over and reads the label.
ELLIE
(in ASL; English subtitles)
Weren’t these recalled last year?
GAVIN
They what.
ELLIE
(in ASL; English subtitles)
Yeah, I think someone old guy went
into cardiac arrest after eating these.
So they were recalled. Something about
foreign matter contamination.
(beat)
And they’re expired.
CAM
Hell yes. Gimmie.
ANGLE ON:
Their conversation continues as we view them from the opposite side of the store, behind the short rows of shelves. We see Penndragon, with an armful of items, crouching behind a shelf. He sneaks offscreen, to the left.
BACK TO SCENE
ELLIE
(in ASL; English subtitles)
You’re sure you want to eat these?
CAM
Absolutely I do.
Ellie gives Cam a look before easily tearing open the bag. All three of them are immediately hit with a pungent smell, making their eyes water. Ellie and Gavin recoil. Ellie slowly hands the bag to Cam.
CAM
(strained)
Awesome…
Cam reaches their hand into the bag and delicately pulls out a chip. They hold it up for the other two to see.
GAVIN
Is that mold?
CAM
Do chips get moldy?
ELLIE
(In ASL; English subtitles)
Contaminated ones probably do.
Cam goes to put the chip in their mouth but is interrupted by a loud THUNK. All three of them look to the hallway where the bathrooms are.
They pause and glance at each other. A SPLASH follows the noise.
ELLIE
(In ASL; English subtitles)
Did someone come in?
GAVIN
Oh yeah, Penndragon was here a minute
ago.
Ellie stiffens.
ELLIE
(In ASL; English subtitles)
The weird cloak guy?
CAM
Yeah the one who talks funny.
ELLIE
(In ASL;
English subtitles)
(slowly)
The one who clogs and defaces our
toilets every time he comes here?
CAM
(beat)
Oh… yeah…
A loud SCREECHING noise (like nails on a chalkboard) comes from the hallway.
ELLIE
(In ASL; English subtitles)
I JUST cleaned that goddamn bathroom.
Ellie marches towards the hallway. Cam and Gavin glance at each other, then scramble to follow her. The chips are forgotten on the counter.
INT. GAS STATION BATHROOM – LATE AFTERNOON
We see the closed door of the bathroom and hear PENNDRAGON chanting quietly in an unintelligible language. The door is kicked open by ELLIE. Penndragon is caught by surprise and cuts off his chanting with a short SCREAM. The door SLAMS against the wall.
We see Penndragon bent over the toilet bowl. Symbols have been carved into the seat, and several candles are lit on top of the tank. A book lays on the floor in front of him.
Ellie stomps forward and grabs Penndragon by the back of his shirt, like you would a cat by their scruff. He yelps and begins babbling excuses and apologies.
PENNDRAGON
HAVE MERCY!!! Have mercy!! I swear
this- this will not occur again! I just–
I’m on the brink of success a-and the
water in this establishment is highly
acidic and if the water is alkaline
the procedure will fail and I MUST
not fail if I fail then I–
Ellie shakes him.
PENNDRAGON (CONT’D)
AUGH SPARE ME PLEASE!!
Penndragon shrinks into his cloak. CAM and GAVIN step forward to inspect the stall.
ANGLE ON:
We view Cam and Gavin from beneath them, as if we are an object in the stall. Gavin looks down at us in disgust. Cam looks down at us in amused confusion.
CAM
What the hell?
ANGLE ON:
We get a view of the toilet. Several random items have been shoved into the bowl, including purple soda, a frozen deluxe meat pizza, pretzels, and several packs of batteries.
GAVIN
(to Penndragon)
What are you trying to do?
PENNDRAGON
Ah- well… I’m- uh, I’d rather not
disclose…
Ellie stares daggers at him. Penndragon squeaks.
CAM
Haha! Guys look!
Cam steps out of the stall, holding the book that was lying in front of the toilet. Giggling to themself, they hold it up, showing the other two a page. Symbols are drawn on it, which are very similar to the ones carved onto the toilet seat. Beneath the symbols are a few lines of text, formatted like a poem. Cam points to the very last word. It reads “weannir.”
CAM
(in the most childish way possible)
Hehe, it says wiener.
Suddenly, the floor begins to rumble. We hear the seat of the toilet start to rattle. The candles lit on the toilet are blown out by an invisible wind. Ellie slowly lowers Penndragon to the ground and releases him. The three employees approach the stall. Penndragon pushes past them and stands before the toilet. The ingredients in the bowl seem to melt, as if by acid, and the now purple water begins to swirl and bubble.
PENNDRAGON
(crazed)
Aha! Hahaha!! The summoning is
complete! He is returned to enslave
the mortal realm! My bloodline will be
saved and made rulers of his kingdom!
My salvation is here!
They all look at Penndragon in confusion and worry, then Ellie and Gavin turn angrily to Cam. Cam has a blank look of disbelief on their face, their mouth hanging open.
GAVIN
You just HAD to say wiener, huh?
CAM
Well don’t say it again! What if
saying wiener makes it worse?
ELLIE
(in ASL; English subtitles)
STOP SAYING WIENER.
The water in the toilet suddenly erupts out of it, like a geyser, sending everyone but Penndragon stumbling backwards. A roar bursts out of the stall as a large shape begins to emerge from the bowl.
PENNDRAGON
My lord! I have summoned thee! This
realm awaits the terror of your–
A large purple tentacle suddenly slams into Penndragon.
PENNDRAGON (CONT’D)
–AUGH!
Penndragon is sent flying backwards. He CRASHES into the bathroom wall and slides to the floor. The three employees watch him in fear and disbelief. They look back at the stall.
A DEMON has emerged, with a large octopus-like head crammed in the bowl of the toilet. Several long tentacles spill out of it, and one bat-like wing sticks out behind it at an awkward angle. It looks stuck.
The three employees glance at each other. Ellie hesitantly raises her hands, making a cross with her fingers.
The demon roars again, and swings its tentacles at the three of them.
They all scramble away from the door, and the tentacle SLAMS into it, missing them. Gavin scrambles backwards into the corner, narrowly avoiding a reaching tentacle. Cam jumps over one attempting to grab their legs. Ellie ducks to avoid another.
GAVIN
WHAT IN THE NAME OF MY SWEET OLD
GRANDMOTHER IS THAT?
A tentacle slams down inches away from him and he SCREAMS, shrinking farther into the corner.
ELLIE
(In ASL; English subtitles)
HOW WOULD WE KNOW?
She dodges another tentacle and nearly trips over a cleaning bucket that sits near the sinks. A mop is sticking out of it.
CAM
Actually I think it’s–
Cam YELPS as a tentacle wraps around their ankle and jerks them backwards.
GAVIN
SHIT! CAM!
The demon drags them closer to the stall, then dangles them in the air, just in front of the stall door.
Suddenly a flash of green is seen as we hear a WHACK. Cam is dropped. They COUGH as they hit the floor.
ANGLE TO:
Ellie stands defiantly with the mop in her hands, held like a staff. Another two tentacles shoot towards her. She batters them both away.
Cam blinks a few times after being dropped. They sit up a little as they realize they landed on top of the book that Penndragon was using to summon the demon. They quickly grab it and scramble away.
Ellie continues to fight off the tentacles as Cam steps back and begins flipping through the book. We can see Gavin behind them. He looks like he’s hyperventilating.
GAVIN
(in between breaths)
What are you doing?
CAM
Seeing if there’s like… an instruction
manual or something.
Gavin looks even closer to passing out.
Suddenly we hear another WHACK, then see Ellie as she slides into the wall next to Gavin.
GAVIN
OH MY GOD ELLIE, ARE YOU O–
Before Gavin can finish his sentence, Ellie gets back up. She wipes her nose on her sleeve and marches back towards the stall. Gavin watches on in fear.
CAM
Oh! Here!
Cam backs into the corner so Gavin can read over their shoulder. He cranes his neck to see, the rest of his body remains rooted to the wall.
CAM
Uhhh… something something… extremely
alkaline substances? Do we have those?
GAVIN
Probably? I don’t know!
We can still hear the battle between Ellie and the demon going on in the background. Every now and then an object is thrown at the wall or a piece of toilet paper comes fluttering down.
CAM
Okay well go find some.
GAVIN
What?! Why do I have to do it?
CAM
You wanna help Ellie fight the
big scary toilet demon?
A splash of purple water is hurled above their heads. They both duck.
GAVIN
(beat)
…No.
Cam shrugs and gestures to the bathroom door mockingly. Gavin sighs and peels himself off the wall.
CAM
Okay… Three. Two. One. GO!
They both take off in a sprint towards the door. Gavin skids as he turns sharply to open it. Cam comes to a halt in front of it and hollers, as if to intimidate the demon. They hold the book above their head, whacking at any approaching tentacles.
The door slams closed as Gavin exits.
INT. GAS STATION CONVENIENCE STORE – SUNSET
The main room of the gas station is eerily quiet compared to the chaos of the bathroom. Though muffled sounds of the battle can still be heard. Gavin quickly rushes in, sprinting over to the nearest shelf and rummaging through it.
GAVIN
Alkaline… alkaline… that’s like, what?
Bleach?
Gavin stands up and rapidly scans the room for anything that would work. He suddenly does a double take at something near the counter.
ANGLE TO:
Penndragon stands in front of the counter, his arms loaded with items. He’s reaching for the forgotten bag of chips that were left on the counter earlier. He looks back at Gavin guiltily.
GAVIN
HEY!
Penndragon quickly turns and runs, leaving the chips. He pulls on the door to open it, and a few items fall from his arms.
GAVIN
You wrinkly bastard, get back here!
Gavin sprints around the shelf, but Penndragon is already out the door. He runs awkwardly across the street, then disappears in a puff of smoke. Gavin stares angrily at where he disappeared.
A GROWL and a THUD sounds from the bathroom. Gavin jumps at it, turning towards the wall. He faces the counter, with the opened bag of chips laying on it. Gavin quickly walks towards it.
He picks it up and turns it over to read the ingredients label. The list of ingredients takes up half the backside of the bag.
GAVIN
Salt, maltodextrin, sodium hydroxide…?
The demon’s roar echoes from the bathroom.
GAVIN
Oh god, this better work.
Gavin picks up the chips and makes for the bathroom door. Once he reaches it, he hesitates. He takes a deep breath, bounces on his feet for a second, and then bursts through the door.
INT. GAS STATION BATHROOM – SUNSET
The chaotic noise of roaring and fighting immediately fills our ears. ELLIE’s mop has been broken in half, and she’s now taken to stabbing the tentacles with the broken ends. CAM is clinging to one of the tentacles, viciously biting it.
GAVIN
GUYS! I got the– WOAGH!
A tentacle swings above his head. Ellie gets thrown backward by one. She skids to a stop next to Gavin.
A tentacle looms over their heads, ready to come crashing down on them. Ellie launches one half of the mop at it, piercing it’s flesh. The demon ROARS and the tentacle writhes, backing down.
ELLIE
(In ASL; English subtitles)
What’d you find?
Gavin holds up the chips.
ANGLE TO:
We get a shot of UNCLE SAM’S SPITTIN’ SHITTIN’ SATAN PEPPER CHIPS, much like the one at the beginning of the episode. A GUITAR RIFF plays over the sound of GUNSHOTS and an EAGLE SCREECH.
Ellie stares at Gavin in desperation.
ELLIE
(In ASL; English subtitles)
You’re shitting me.
GAVIN
What else was I supposed to get?
This is the most hazardous thing
in the store!
Cam lets out a SCREECH as they bite down on the tentacle. The demon GROWLS and shakes them off. Cam rolls over towards the other two employees.
CAM
(out of breath)
What now?
Cam notices the bag in Gavin’s hand.
CAM (CONT’D)
No way, the chips? But I wanted to
eat them.
ELLIE
(In ASL; English subtitles)
You won’t be able to eat anything
anymore if we’re all killed by the
DEMON IN OUR TOILET.
They all turn to face the demon again. All of its tentacles are raised in the air, ready to strike. A deep GROWL resonates from the demon, rumbling the floor. The three employees stand under looming shadows of the tentacles.
The demon opens its mouth wide, and suddenly lets out a harsh SCREECH. It brings its tentacles down upon them.
GAVIN
Ellie!
Gavin tosses the bag to Ellie.
She catches it and winds up a throw, aiming directly for the demon’s gaping maw.
She fires, sending the bag of disgusting chips barreling towards it just as the tentacles crush the employees.
BLACK SCREEN
It all goes silent. Only the remaining echo of the heavy tentacles hitting the floor can be heard.
INT. GAS STATION BATHROOM – NIGHT
ELLIE’S POV:
We can hear muffled sounds of the employees becoming conscious. Groans and grunts of pain slowly become more audible.
Our eyes open. We see the tiled floor of the bathroom, though it’s extremely blurry.
As our vision begins to clear, we hear a rustling noise, then crunching.
We slowly look up to see a blurry purple figure start to become recognizable.
The DEMON still sits in the toilet; alive. Though it has ceased attacking the employees. Instead, it seems to have busied itself with eating something.
BACK TO SCENE
DEMON
Oh, hey guys.
The demon reaches into the bag of chips with a tentacle and shoves a few into its mouth.
All three employees are now awake, staring in disbelief at the demon that just tried to kill them, now eating their final attack right in front of them.
The demon chews on the chips contentedly, looking from one employee to the other.
DEMON
These chips are bangin’ dude.
ANGLE TO:
We see all three employees lying on the floor, beaten and bruised. They stare, blinking, at the demon. They all have the most confused, defeated, “are you kidding me” expressions on their faces.
CAM
(beat)
Can I have one?
Ellie resumes laying face down on the floor and Gavin buries his head in his hands.
THE END
Artwork by Clark Gao
